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Adopting a child with special needs requires careful consideration and preparation.

As a mom who has adopted children with significant special needs, I am often asked what kinds of things I wish I had been better prepared for in this new life. I am profoundly grateful for the ways that my children have changed my life. They have taught me to fully embrace myself and this beautiful world we live in, to be authentic on every single level. Before you ask, yes, I would do it again. Yes, yes, yes.

However, I wish I had known how to prepare better!

Here are some important things to consider before pursuing the adoption of a child with special needs:

1. Understand the needs of the child:

Before considering adoption of a specific child, it is essential to understand the needs of the child you are interested in adopting. Different abilities may require different levels of care, medical attention, and support. Become a trauma informed parent! Research the child’s medical conditions, developmental delays, and potential behavioral issues to understand the level of care and support that may be required.

2. Assess your own abilities:

Adopting a child with special needs can be challenging, and it’s important to be honest with yourself about your abilities to provide the necessary care and support. Consider your own emotional, physical, and financial resources, as well as your support network. Carefully assess your marriage or partnership to see if there is room for the additional life responsibilities that will come along with this decision.

3. Learn about available resources:

Local resources are vastly different from state to state and even county to county. There are many resources available to adoptive parents of children with special needs, including financial assistance, support groups, and specialized services. Research the resources that are available in your area and make a plan for accessing them. Keep in mind that the future may involve a move for your family and consider how that may change your resources. A favorite starting website for many parents is: Kids’Waivers.org

4. Work with a reputable adoption agency:

This is crucial to the success of the adoption. Madison Adoption Associates is known for their high ethical standards and their passion for finding the right family for each child. It’s vital to have an adoption specialist who will review a child’s file with you and be honest about what they see. Working with a reputable adoption agency can help ensure that you are matched correctly to a child and their needs. It also ensures that you receive the necessary support and guidance throughout the adoption process.

5. Consult with medical professionals:

Before adopting a child with special needs, it’s important to consult with medical professionals who can provide you with a better understanding of the child’s medical conditions and potential challenges. This can help you make an informed decision about whether adoption is the right choice for your family.

6. Educate yourself on special education:

This could be an entire series of posts all on it’s own, because this is by far the piece many parents are not fully prepared for when adopting a child with special needs.

It’s important to be aware of special education laws, resources, and services available to children with disabilities in your area. Again, county to county, school to school may have different resources. Make sure you call your local school district and discuss the resources they have for your child. This will help you advocate for your child’s needs and ensure they receive the appropriate support and services.

Adopting a child with special needs can be a rewarding and life-changing experience, but it’s important to approach the process with careful consideration and preparation. By taking the time to research and prepare, you can relieve some of the stress that will come from being underprepared and use that energy to bond as a family.

Vacation. 

Just the word alone fills me with a calm.  My mind is flooded by memories of past vacations (from childhood all the way through now), and also visions of future getaways. 

Who doesn’t love a good vacation?!?

So when our partners mentioned that they strive to take the children on a vacation when possible, we jumped at the possibility of being able to help make that happen! Everyone deserves a vacation every now and then, but especially waiting children who don’t otherwise have the opportunity to enjoy such ‘typical’ childhood experiences!

So we began asking questions –

When? Where? How many children? Budget? 

And while getting the details, we learned these vacations go far beyond fun in the sun. The orphanage staff utilize these trips to begin teaching and instilling independence and life skills. They utilize public transportation, not just to save costs, but specifically to guide the children on how to do so. They stop at convenience stores for supplies, but have the children budget the shopping, make the purchases, and check to ensure they received the correct change back. 

They include the children in the planning, the preparation, and the packing, all in an effort to prepare the children for their years beyond the orphanage – whether those years are in a forever family, or out on their own.

Upwards of 40 children, ranging in age from school-aged to teens, will participate in this amazing opportunity this spring.

The intentionality and forethought to not only give these children the vacation they so very much deserve, but to do so in a way that will teach them valuable life lessons, left us in awe. 

Of course we will help make this happen! 

And we invite you to join us!

She walked in with her head held high, displaying the perfect ‘this is lame’ teen strut.  She was trying her best to let us know this meeting was boring, and she’d rather be doing a million other things.  But she slipped up when she briefly made eye contact with both of us, letting down her tough teen façade just for a moment, and giving us our first glimpse into the amazing young woman that she is.  She knew why we were there, and it wasn’t hard to see her vulnerability behind the valiant attempt of only giving off teen ‘tude.

Maleah (13) beelined straight to the familiar face in the room to sit next to, and geared up for our questions.  At first shy, quiet, and attempting disinterest, she slowly answered our questions with the briefest of answers.  She likes school, loves sports (she’s very tall!), loves helping with the little kids in the orphanage, and desperately wants a family.  Maleah is open to just a Mom, or a Mom and Dad, who will support her athletics, as well as teach her to cook.  With each question, we got a bit more out of Maleah, and little by little we cracked her shell and got to see the real girl under the teen face.  The Maleah who loves with her whole heart, despite a challenging childhood.  The Maleah who tried so hard to give a teen eyeroll at our American antics, but ultimately let her giggles slip out.  The Maleah who takes care of the younger kids as if they were her little siblings.  The sweet, funny, kind, nurturing, hopeful Maleah. 

Maleah started our day together with her armor on and buttoned up tight.  But we ended the day knowing the real Maleah.  And we couldn’t be more grateful and humbled that she let us in to see a small part of her soul.  To see her heart, her hopes, and her dreams.  Dreams of a family to call her own.

There were delays in preparing Maleah’s adoption paperwork, giving us very little time to find her family.  But we vowed to her we would do all we can to find them, and we need your help.  Interested in learning more about Maleah, and about adopting from Thailand?  Please complete our Prospective Adoptive Parent form today!  Not in a position to adopt?  That’s OK!  Simply sharing this post will help find her family!    

The holidays are over.  School is back in session.  In much of the country it’s chilly, wet, and gets dark early.  And at least someone is sick.  Sometimes it feels like Groundhog Day, with each day like the last.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  It’s easy to let the winter blues get you down…..if you let them.  But I challenge you not to.  Because the days of January and February are far from mundane.  In fact, these are the days when magic happens.  It’s during these winter days that family dinners are early and long, weekends are snuggly and slow, hot cocoa and cookies turn into secret telling sessions.  These are the days where the real family memories are made.  The memories rooted in time spent with one another.  Mundane, ordinary, even boring days are the ones that build trust, attachment, and security.  Making them the farthest thing from mundane.  Making them magical.

Alonzo deserves to be part of a family’s mundane winter days.  Part of HIS family’s mundane winter.  He deserves hot cocoa and cookies, early and long family dinners, and snuggly and slow weekends.  He deserves the magic of the mundane.   

Alonzo is a sweet, kind, amazing 6 year old little boy who has Down syndrome. He is from a country in South America and is waiting for his forever family to come forward and say Yes to him. If you are interested in learning more about Alonzo, please complete our Prospective Adoptive Parent form.

Sarah Hansen, International Programs Director, takes a moment to review and reflect on ‘A Place Called Home,’ a memoir written by David Ambroz.

Every human living in America needs to stop what they are doing and read this book.  In this memoir, David Ambroz gives an eye-opening glimpse into the lives of foster youth in the US.  From poverty, to abuse and neglect, to system failures, and so much more, Mr. Ambroz shares not just his experiences, but all of his feelings associated with these experiences, and the impact they have had on the person he has become.

Whether you are involved in foster care or not, this memoir provides insight far beyond the walls of the foster system (though, that specific insight is crucial for every American to open their eyes to).  But David’s account of his tumultuous upbringing drives home the importance of being trauma informed.  Regardless of where you fall – adoptive/foster parent, child welfare professional, teacher, or just a human who interacts with other humans – it is imperative to understand how adverse childhood experiences affect a person for a lifetime.  Through his heart-wrenching personal account, David puts the reader in his shoes, making them understand why children with a history of trauma put up walls –  

“Child abuse and neglect have a long shadow that stretches beyond physical pain.  For decades I’ll flinch when someone goes to hug me – sometimes I still do.  It’s an irreconcilable contradiction between the love of a caregiver and the damage she does.”     

“No.  Stop.  Crying.  Now, I command myself, and eventually I do.

Your tears are useless.  Tears are going to get you killed.  No more tears, I vow.

No more emotion.  I can dim that part of me to almost nothing.  These people can’t have that power over me.  I take the pain and squeeze it into a tight square.  Then I pack it in a box and place it on a shelf….  I know where it is, and maybe one day I can take it down and feel again.  But right now, feeling is a luxury I can’t afford, not if I’m going to survive.  Whatever is coming, I need to be bulletproof and numb.  I’ll wear a mask.  I don’t know this yet, but I won’t shed a tear again for twenty-three years.”

He painstakingly portrays that regardless of how unhealthy a relationship might be, connections to birth family are nonetheless such a primal part of a person’s essence –

“This woman is my curse, my burden, and my blood.  I will never stop loving her.”

“I have one foot in my mother’s world, anchoring me to a past, and one foot stepping into this one, with Holly’s outstretched hand reaching from the shore of a loving present and a better future.  I’ve only got to lift my anchor, but I can’t, not yet.  Holly is offering me the life I have always wanted, if I can just find my way there.”

He truly makes the reader understand that while one healthy connection and environment can make a dramatic impact on a child’s life, the lasting impacts of trauma do not go away over night –

“…relieved to be out of there, but also sad.  I finally have the freedom to be normal, but I don’t know how.”

Though a gut-wrenching read, I walked away from this book with a renewed passion – to act, to protect, to speak up, to put words into action.  Children are living in poverty, children are being abused and neglected, right down the road and all around the world.  It is 2023 – we can do better. We can all do something.  So let’s.

“Where are the adults?  Where is the DARE officer?  Where are the teachers?  The social workers?  Where is anyone who can protect us?  They have left us here.  We are kids suffering in plain sight.  Save your prayers, they won’t protect us.  Over and over again, the three of us were left with a woman who was clearly hurting us by people in positions of authority.  I want others to know what it means to be equally neglected by a parent and a society.  I want it to be impossible to walk past a child who is begging in the street.  Thank you for the Christmas presents collected at your office, but I’d rather you vote for people and policies so children don’t suffer from neglect, abuse, hunger, homelessness, violence, and maybe death.”

Holidays can be challenging for those who have experienced relational trauma.  Relational trauma is defined as a trauma that occurs in a close relationship, usually a caregiver, not caused by a single event but rather by an ongoing series of events.  Being harmed by those who were supposed to protect you leave emotional scars that can manifest in various ways. Often, holidays were moments when conflicting messages were sent to children:  happy moments followed or preceded by scary, lonely, violent ones.  Christmas can be painful and confusing.  Usually, this time of the year is celebrated, enjoyed, and related to good memories for most.  However, developmental trauma may impact a child’s ability to enjoy such moments.  Sometimes, trauma survivors can feel embarrassed and have longing feelings or be ambivalent towards their adoptive and biological parents.  The kids might have mixed feelings: they miss the celebrations from the country of origin; they recall the festivities with their birth families but also the scary memories.  Celebrations can trigger trauma-based behaviors that might not be expected, especially if time has passed since the adoption.  The fight, flight, or freeze responses may come back.

Holidays can be a minefield.  Giving the kids a voice and allowing them to speak about their painful memories is an excellent option to help them deal with their feelings.  Allowing them to speak helps them learn they are valuable, that someone is listening now, and they know how to rely on their attachment figures.  It also teaches them coping strategies that lead them to co-regulation and self-regulation.  You can make a plan when you learn what triggers your fight, flight, or freeze response and brings back the trauma-based behaviors.  Sometimes, Holidays don’t trigger traumatic memories or behaviors.  However, the feelings related to the loss of a family might still be somewhere out there, and the child may wonder how they are doing.  Ambiguous loss feelings appear.  And the lack of closure that this type of loss has does not allow the children to leave behind the past experiences but to revisit them from a new and more complex perspective as they grow in understanding.  And holidays are especially hard for those dealing with ambiguous loss.  Adopted children’s biological family is not physically present, but their emotional absence comes into their lives from time to time.  And Holidays are one of those moments where they may wonder how they are doing, if they are thinking of him/her, if their siblings are doing fine, if the grandparents are still alive, etc.

And even though some behaviors related to developmental/relational trauma may seem the same as ambiguous loss, they are not.  As Dr. Boss says, “Ambiguous loss inevitably leads to ambivalent feelings, emotions, and behaviors toward the missing person and others in the family.  With a deficit of information about the whereabouts or status of the absent person, people don’t know how to respond and feel torn about the course of action to take”.  All these can lead to anxiety, somatic symptoms, guilt, anger, or picking a fight.  Try to normalize ambivalence, allow your children to talk about those feelings, and acknowledge their existence.  Adapting to the ambiguity of the situation can minimize the effects of ambivalence.  When recognizing such ambivalent feelings, resilience may start.

Helpful hints

• Try not to overwhelm the children with many visits or too many presents. 
• Allow your child to feel sad or emotionally vulnerable.
• Have some traditions from their country of origin.  Ask your child about what he enjoyed when celebrating Christmas / holidays and make them part of your family celebration.
• Allow your children to get enough sleep.  It is essential to diminish the fight, flight, or freeze response, so your child needs to be well-rested, well-fed, and hydrated. 
• Try to find emotional outlets.  For example, do some physical activity and draw about how he/she feels.
• Be fully present and become a better listener to your child’s stories (and pain).   This way, your child will learn that ambivalence is normal and that he/she can rely on you and have a voice to express feelings.
• Talk to your child about ambivalent loss.  Let them know that this emotion and reaction is very real, and they should not feel ashamed if they are experiencing these feelings.

Ultimately, the holidays can be a joyous time surrounded by family and loved ones, but for our children with histories of trauma and loss, the holidays can also be triggering, scary, and even lonely.  Continue to be the safest space for your child, and put their needs above any unnecessary holiday obligations like that gift exchange at Aunt Betty’s or the overwhelming potluck brunch at cousin Eddy’s.  Be present, be in tuned to your child’s triggers and comfort level, and be intentional about your holiday plans.

You’ve heard some of their stories.  You’ve read our pleas asking you to step out of your comfort zone and fill in the gap for these kids.  These kids who have waited for years and years for their chance at a forever.  These kids who are so much more than words in a file.  But the excuses are so easy to hang on to.  ‘We are too busy.’  ‘We’d have to rearrange our bedrooms.’ ‘The kids might get too attached.’  The list goes on and on with the ‘why we can’t’s.’  And we get it.  We really do!  But as that list continues to grow, we ask you to just pause for a moment, and ask yourselves, Why Not?  Even take it a step further, and don’t just ask, but really consider, ‘What if we did host?’  ‘How would we be impacted?’ ‘What would it mean for us and the hosted child?’  ‘What would those 20-25 days look like?’  None of us know the answers to those questions.  But some possibilities are that you could offer a life changing three weeks to a deserving child; you could learn about a new culture, and share your own; you could become the answer to a waiting child’s prayer; you could be forever changed, and change the life of a child; or maybe, just maybe, you could fall in love.  Now, wouldn’t all that be worth it?  Think about it.

We are excited to welcome several precious children ranging in age from 12-15 from Colombia in Summer 2023 for hosting. But, we cannot welcome them unless 10-15 special families in NJ, PA, UT, or IL step forward and say Yes. Could that be you?

If you are interested in learning more about hosting, please visit our website, or email AnneB@madisonadoption.org.