At a party a few weeks ago we were introduced to a family that had adopted one child. I had the opportunity to meet this little girl and chat with her for some time. Let me tell you that she was lovely inside and out. I don’t know her story or if she eats her dinner without complaint or misbehaves, but I do know that she came across as a young teen with the ability to communicate her thoughts well and a gentleness to other children. Her homeland is the same as one of my own children and so her parents and I began chatting all things adoption. There was the typical type of information exchanged about the when’s, where’s and so forth. My husband mentioned something about the “next time” and the couples eye brows raised.
“Your going to do it again?”, they asked.
We nodded. Currently our house is rather full and we have a lot of little ones so we are not doing it again today, but most certainly the plan includes adopting again. We don’t feel that our family is finished growing and we certainly desire to share this crazy love that we have under our roof with another child in need of that crazy love.
I guess we kind of told them that answer. That, yes, we plan on doing it again. My husband returned the question. It seemed like the right thing to do.
“Are you planning on adopting again?”, he asked smiling.
And this is where my, heart broke and I will tell you why.
“No, Oh never. We wont ever do that again. One was enough….”, They continued on and on as I tried to pick my mouth up off the floor. Now, let me explain. I was not upset that they felt their home was full. I get it. Each family knows when they have reached a healthy and harmonious capacity and no one but that family can judge best. No problem.
I was shocked because standing right next to them was this girl who they adopted with her eyes looking down at her feet and that light fading from her face. Here were her parents publicaly making it known how difficult their adoption had been, how hard the transition, and how there is just no way they would never do it again.
The words they used have long left my mind, but I will tell you what that young girl heard.
She heard “You were not worth it.”
And that breaks this Momma’s heart. Because all my children were worth it. They were worth the changed body and the stretch marks and the labor pains. They were worth the paperwork and the scraping savings and the months of waiting. They were worth every surprise and frustration and hope and sleepless night, every mile traveled, every lesson learned, every unknown and every tear shed. They were worth every moment of uncertainty and transition and chaos just for the chance to love them and watch them grow.
It is so important to have people to talk with about troubles. It is absolutely acceptable to state that you believe your family will not adopt again. It is absolutely acceptable to talk about frustrations, difficulties, and concerns. But, Momma’s and Daddy’s be care for little ears are listening. And little ears that have already had so much loss need to know that all you went through to bring them home was not only worth it, but that you would do it again if it meant loving them another day.
May we have friends and loved ones we can open up too, talk with, pray with, and seek wisdom with. May we find encouragement and support when needed. May we share our stories to inspire, teach, and help. But, let us not let our frustrations that come, and they do, tear down the self worth of the children.
We all have a hammer and can do one of two things.
Build up.
Tear down.
May your story, whatever it may be, be spoken in such a way that it can build up the little ears that hear it.